Thursday, January 18, 2007

Deserter?

A deserter soldier was running down a road escaping from two Military police.

He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her
"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied: "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Problems

I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!

Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A: He's fully recovered.

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

Hritik Aur Lalita Pawar

With due respects to Lalita Pawar.

Lalita Pawar the famous love all vamp of yester years was feeling horny and wanted to have sex with Hritik..the strongest sex symbol of this era..

She promises to pay him all the wealth she's saved over these years for one night of "Favor"

Hritik, being the kind warm hearted person decided to oblige her.

When he gets there, there is nice and mellow music and dim light..
Soon things start to get hot....and he slowly opens her legs and she hears him saying "Kya ch*t hai,Kya ch*t hai,Kya ch*t hai...."

She blushed and said."Mujhe maaloom hai itne saalo ke abuse ke baad woh thodi badi ho gayi hai magar, teen time bolne ki ky zururat hai?"

Hritik says: "Ma'am, maine to sirf ek baar bola tha, baaki do baar to echo hua tha"

Good For The Bones

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

Identical Twins

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and
kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group
of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to
salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of
touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at
the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm
so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very
good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the
middle."
The old woman fainted.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Needs ironing!

mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave
because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"

Full form of wife & Husband

Full form of wife:-

W - Worries
I - Invited
F - For
E - Ever.


Another One

W - Wonderful
I - Instrument
F - For
E – Enjoyment

Full Form Husband

H :- Headaches
U :- Unlimited
S :- Since
B :- Begining
A :- And
N :- Never
D :- Diminishes

The old man

An old man and his wife visits the doctor. The doctor says "Well, I can't find what's wrong with you, so I'm gonna need a blood sample, a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample.

The old man says "What?" The doctor says it again. The old man still says "What?"

Then his wife says, "He wants you to leave your underwear."

Private Detective

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!

Long time no see?

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort
in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"

The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

We will never forget you

As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

Haunting Husband

An old time married couple, a husband and a wife were not getting along with each other and were violently at each other's throat all the time.
Husband had a hypertension and kept threatening his wife "You will see when I am dead, I will start digging until I come upward and out from my grave, and then I will haunt you to your death".

People thought the couple was weird and spooky. The husband had a heart attack, died and got buried. A scary neighbor came to the wife, and asked her "Aren't you afraid that your husband may dig up, come out of the grave and haunt you?

The drunken wife replied "No, let him dig, I got that SOB buried face down"

Drunken Santa Bunta

Santa and Banta are riding home on their 350 Enfield Bullet (mobike), they're drunk at usual the time is about 2 in the morning (AM). Approaching from the other side is a Shaktimaan truck (used by the Indian Army: it is wider than most).
Santa-Banta the dare-devils that they are decide to cut through the two approaching motorcycles. (With a wide body the Shaktimaan has head lamps that are wider apart) and do just that only to be knocked into a ditch by the Army Truck.

They are badly injured but still conscious. Santa shakes his head ... and says to Banta

"aj kal motorcycle wale bhi vich baans ban ke chalaan lag gaye hun"

(they're tying bamboos between bikes and riding them these days)

santa Banta's boasting ...

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'
Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'
Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'
Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'

Santa's wife is having an affair

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Santa says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Qutab Minar Was Built In A Day

An American born desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it.
The guide replied, "20 years."
The American desi remarked, "You guys are lazy. In America we can build some thing like this in 5 years."
At the Red Fort in Delhi, he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said, "Ten years, only ten years."
The American desi retorted, "Didn't I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years."
It was the same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period of completion to 1/4th. The guide was irritated by this young American desi.
Next day when they were near the Qutab Minar, the American desi asked, "What is that tower?" The guide replied,
"I will have to go and find out. When I was passing by last evening there was nothing here."

Mommy and Daddy game

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says,"OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
in a gruff manner, Little Johnny says,

"Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Johnny's SnowMen

The father watched through the window as his young son Johnny made a snowman with a little friend.

Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little Johnny say:

"I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot."

And his son replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."

The Most Intelligent Person: Laloo!

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting," This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.
Sonia Gandhi said," Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said," I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!"
Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said," Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"

When does God cry ????

Saddam Hussein visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Prasad Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state. " Hearing this, God starts crying.
Lalloo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you crying?" God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"

Venue : International conference of Medical Sciences

Three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist !"

The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medalist !"

The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved , just gold medalists? In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !"

Laloo goes to a movie

Laloo goes to see the movie "Jhoota Harischandra". At the ticket counter Laloo asks for a ticket and gets one on paying.
After a few minutes he returns and asks for another one. The person at the ticket counter gives him the ticket and takes the money.
A few minutes later Laloo is back again and ask for another ticket. The ticket issuer gives him the ticket but is annoyed with Laloo. He says, "Hey! What's your problem? Why don't you buy all your tickets at once?"
Laloo replies, "What to do? I need only one ticket, but every time I try to go inside the damn man standing at the door tears apart my ticket!"

Old People

Two white-haired, elderly women (AKA Q-tips) were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!
You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

Drunken Santa Bunta

Santa and Banta are riding home on their 350 Enfield Bullet (mobike), they're drunk at usual the time is about 2 in the morning (AM). Approaching from the other side is a Shaktimaan truck (used by the Indian Army: it is wider than most).
Santa-Banta the dare-devils that they are decide to cut through the two approaching motorcycles. (With a wide body the Shaktimaan has head lamps that are wider apart) and do just that only to be knocked into a ditch by the Army Truck.

They are badly injured but still conscious. Santa shakes his head ... and says to Banta

"aj kal motorcycle wale bhi vich baans ban ke chalaan lag gaye hun"

(they're tying bamboos between bikes and riding them these days)

Santa Singh in Court

Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." Santa immediately responded, "Thank you , your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Monday, January 15, 2007

Baseball In Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday.

The only thing missing

A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Easy?

 An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick.

"The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Irresistible Temptation

 Three friends are out enjoying a night on the town, and the suggestion that they visit the local whorehouse meets with enthusiasm all around - especially when the madam tells them there's a special offer that evening. For $100, $150, or $200,the customer will receive a sexual treat beyond his wildest dreams.

The first guy forks out $100, is shown to the first door on the right and soon his friends hear cries of ecstasy coming from within. He emerges sometime later sweaty, out of breath and grinning from ear to ear.

"She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen," he said panting. "After extensive foreplay she put two pineapple rings around my penis and ate them!"

The second guy couldn't fork over his $150 fast enough. He was shown to a room and soon wild cries of bliss were heard.Eventually he returned with the same grin and the same story,except that he had gotten whipped cream along with the two pineapple rings.

The third guy needs little persuading to part with his $200 and is shown to an upstairs room. Soon cries of ecstasy can be heard, but his friends are puzzled when they're interrupted by a scream of agony. When he returns, they can't wait to hear what happened.

"Yes," he explains wearily, "she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and after extensive foreplay she covered my prick with two pineapple rings, whipped cream, chopped nuts and topped it off with a maraschino cherry."

"So then what happened?" ask his friends eagerly.

"Well," he replies, "it looked so good, I took a bite myself."

Lost wife

 One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it wasn't long before the wife got lost. The Eskimo husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wife's description."What's that?" asked the Eskimo.

"Well, you see, a 'description' is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?"

"Forget her!" exclaimed the Eskimo. "Let's go look for yours!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Lesson Learned

 A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He
took out a jar of yellow liquid.

"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be
observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Finding Religion

 A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to
find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My
God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"

The Statues

 For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll
crap on its head."

Doctor's orders

 Waiter: Hey, where do you think you are going with
these spoons?
Customer: Doctor's orders
Waiter: What do you mean:
Customer: See what is written on this side of the
medicine bottle, Take two spoons after each meal.

Welcome

Welcome to Funworld,

This is my second blog and I am sure this will help you very much. This blogs contain jokes and other funny things and I am sure your stay will always turn in happines.

I also invite you to make comments or add your jokes.

Thanks
Rohit