I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!
Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A: He's fully recovered.
1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
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